Harry Potter and the Liberal Menace!

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Prologue
            It appeared that the Harry Potter series had nowhere to go – in book seven, “Harry Potter and the End of the Series,” author J.K. Rowling had killed off Harry Potter, turned Hermione into a lesbian, transformed Ron into a German pop sensation, and had caused irreparable damage to the entire franchise. Luckily, the publishers had a trick up their sleeve, for due to a hidden clause in the original Harry Potter contract, Rowling had no choice but to continue writing with the spin-off, “Legends of Hogwarts.” However, this plan backfired, as Rowling put so little effort into the new series that fans quickly lost interest, and sales plummeted.
            Many believed that it was the end for the Hogwarts series, but the publishers would not give up so easily – they decided to give it one more go with another spin-off series that followed Harry, Ron and Hermione during their college years, since that had worked so well when “Saved by the Bell” did it. Rowling, of course, refused to have anything to do with it, and fled the country so that she could live out her days free from anything Harry Potter related. What she did not know, however, was that the publisher had hired a scientist to create a cloning formula that would be able to create an exact duplicate of her that would be perfectly willing to continue writing.
            In order to clone her, however, they would first need a sample of her DNA, so the scientist set out to find her and steal one hair from her head. He searched every continent until he eventually found her famous face in the United States. She was speaking to a group of reporters, and so while she was busy answering a question, he snuck behind her and plucked a blonde hair from her head, and then took it back with him to his underground lair, where he worked his science with such skill that within hours, he had a fully grown clone.
            Now, one thing you must know about this scientist is that, since all of his time is spent in an underground lair, his eyes are not all that great. It is because of this that he believed that he had taken a hair from Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, when in fact he had taken a hair from the author of “I Hope You All Die in a Fire,” Ann Coulter. Unfortunately this error was not caught until after the release of her addition to the Legends of Hogwarts series, “Harry Potter and the Liberal Menace!”

Chapter One: Harry Potter and the Justification of the Series

            The previous summer, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had set out on to put an end to Voldemort’s plan to unite the wizarding world under his great leadership, because they had been brainwashed by the America-hating weasels over at Hogwarts. Seriously, have you even read those books? They take an impressionable young boy, turn him against the family that was willing to put themselves out to give him a good home, with is own room under the stairs (Have you ever stayed in a room under the stairs? It’s like an adventure in itself. Harry should be down on his knees thanking his family every day for the way they put up with him and that freakish scar that everybody stares at but can’t comment on because it wouldn’t be “politically correct” – now come on! It’s staring me in the face; I should be able to stare at him in the face. I hope you die in a fire!), and then whisk him off to a secret castle where they teach him “magic,” which is obviously a code word for homosexuality and other liberal lies (Hermione even admits she’s a lesbian, and I’ve read enough ‘fanfics’ to know all about the seedy love triangles between Harry, Ron, and that lovely Malfoy boy (I really like him).
            Anyway, so they go on this quest, and somewhere in the woods they  set up camp and smoke a little bit of they ol’ Scooby Doobie, since they are damn dirty liberal hippies and things. And one thing leads to another, and pretty soon they are so reefered up that they actually believe that they are continuing on with the adventure – Hermione believes that she goes off to live in paradise with the lesbian nymphs, Ron believes that he’s become a German Pop Sensation, and Harry believes that he has killed Crazy V, and sacrificed himself as a martyr. However, despite this elaborate fantasy, they were really just wild hallucinations formed by their damn hippy drug culture.
            So while these idiots are sitting on a couch wishing they had a candy bar or a pizza, Crazy V sniffs them out and brings them to his camp, where he does away with all of the ridiculous liberal brainwashing that had turned them against Volly (who is really a great guy, a wonderful leader, and the reason that we have the great quality of life that we have today. Anybody that says different ought to be shot, hung, strangled with their own hippy dreadlocks, and then killed in a fire.) Once Crazy V had set them straight, Harry Ron and Hermione realized that they were wrong in their mission to destroy the death eaters, and rather than fight further, they all got sweet Dark Mark tattoos (all the cool kids are getting them), and decided to better themselves by going to college, so that they could gain networking skills in the Young Death Eaters organizations on campus, and use their collective strength to fight back against the Liberal Agenda that the Order of the Phoenix was trying to sabotage the country with. And so you have it – an entirely plausible way to completely ignore everything that happened in the previous two books, while still continuing with the story.

Chapter Two: Harry Potter and the Overwhelming Liberal Agenda

            It was a crisp fall day when Harry, Ron, and Hermione arrived at their new Alma Mater, the Edwin P. Fuzzybum University for the Study of Witchcraft, Wizardry, and Why Being a Liberal Homo-Sin-Ual Is Way Better than Being an Honest God-Fearing American. The three heroes looked at each other with raised eyebrows – they knew that the liberal agenda had reached far into the university system, but they had no idea just how radical and terrorist-loving this school would be.
            “Well friends,” said Harry, “here we are at our new school – and I for one cannot wait to dive head first into a keg of cheap beer and a gaggle of those wild co-eds I’ve been hearing so much about on late night advertisements.”
            Ron laughed nervously. “Now Harry, with your level of fame, we’d best avoid any high-profile scandals.”
            Harry punched Ron in the testicle and announced via loudspeaker “You sir are a pansy, and I’m off to begin a life of non-stop bonin’!” He turned, kicking Ron in the shin as he did so, and marched off in search of a room full of naked sorority girls having a pillow fight.
            Ron started to follow him, but Hermione held him back. “No, Ron, we must go find the leader of the Young Death Eaters so that we can begin planning our strategy for the coming year.”
            “But… but Hermione! I want to have a pillow fight with a room full of naked sorority girls, too!” Stammered Ron, sheepishly (if that was a very horny sheep – which Ron would certainly know quite a bit about, no matter how much he denies it).
            “Well, now, so do I. But we can’t give in to the Sins of the Flesh. We will surely be tested to great lengths by these liberal lies, but we have to remember that Things Here are Not What They Appear. Now come on – we’ve got work to do.” Hermione said matter-of-factly, and Ron couldn’t help but follow her as she walked across campus to find the office of the YDE.
            The campus was full of new first year college students, eagerly unpacking their belongings, ready to begin on the great adventure that is the University. Their faces full of hope and enthusiasm – Ron and Hermione couldn’t help but feel sorry for these fools who had no idea that by the end of the year, they would have been turned into gay, communist, cheese-eating, French-loving, Dumbledore-worshiping wingbats. As they walked, they passed a New Student Info Fair, with booths set up for a wide array of clubs – the traditional sports clubs, the fraternities and sororities, and a nearly endless array of liberal propaganda from the “I Hate America And Love Burning Flags, Bibles, and Unborn Babies” club to the “Why Not Just Surrender to the Terrorists Now?” club. Hermione sighed as she realized that all of these sights are real, non-fiction, and completely non-satirical sights that are available on every college campus in America. For real. No, I’m really serious – if you haven’t seen them, it’s just because you’re already blinded to them. If that’s the case, I recommend you die in a fire.
            After much searching, Ron and Hermione found, in the back corner, underneath a pile of dirty socks, the Young Death Eaters Club. Seated at the desk was Conner Rapist, a handsome young man in a blue suit. “Please don’t throw garbage at me!” he said as they approached.
            “We’re not going to throw garbage at you – we’re not like every other damn dirty hippy on this campus. My name is Hermione Granger, and this is Ron Weasley. We’re first year students, ready to join in the fight against Dumbledore and all of his ilk. And Harry Potter, the famous wizard who was once against Crazy V but is now one of the Death Eaters, wishes to help too, as soon as he finishes bonin’ a room full of naked pillow-fighting sorority girls, which shouldn’t take him more than a few seconds if reputation is accurate.” Said Hermione. After she had finished her little speech, the boy looked much relieved.
            “Thank goodness – my name is Conner Rapist, and I’m the head of this branch of the Young Death Eaters. All day these liberals have done nothing but throw dirty socks and garbage at me, and make me listen to Janis Joplin albums. It’s torture I tell you! Not that there’s anything wrong with torture of course, it’s just that I’m not the one it should be directed towards.” Ron and Hermione nodded in agreement after getting over the initial fact that this guys name is “Rapist.”  Since they were the only three sane people on campus, they decided to go grab a bite to eat and discuss their plans for how to spread the Dark Mark over the rest of the campus.

Chapter Three: Harry Potter and the Raging Homosexuals

            Harry was not having much luck finding a room full of pillow-fighting naked sorority girls, despite his finest attempts. After knocking on nearly every door in the dormitory, he found himself face to face with a door he had not seen before, with a large sign proclaiming “The Edwin P Fuzzybum University Gentlemen’s Lounge – Those Interested in Promiscuous Guilt-Free Sexual Pleasures Allowed Only.” Harry tapped his toes in excitement – this was what he had been searching for all along! He knocked, but no one answered, so he opened the door slowly and walked inside.
            The room was full of comfortable sofas and dangly things hanging from the ceiling. He called out, but heard no answer, so he set himself down on the couch to wait for the women to arrive. As he waited, more curious freshmen entered, each one disappointed that so far it was a veritable sausage fest. When the last of the seats was filled, the lights dimmed, and dance music began to play as lights flashed and a disco ball swirled.
            “Welcome, fellas, to the Edwin P. Fuzzybum University Gentleman’s Lounge! Prepare to enter a world of Sexual Fantasy, where all your dreams will come true!” a seductive voice spoke over a loudspeaker. All of the guys applauded, but went silent as a spotlight lit up a small area on the wall. The wall spread open to reveal a woman in a dress strikingly similar to that of Jessica Rabbit, and all of the boys in the room had expressions on their faces strikingly similar to that of Eddy Valiant. The first woman proceeded to do a provocative dance, and as she made her way through the crowd, more woman followed her lead, until every lap was filled. I’m tellin’ ya, it was like a campground in there.
            Harry found himself straddled by a striking blonde, a woman of such beauty that he could only think to himself how much she looked like Anne Coulter. As she wriggled about on him, Harry felt oddly uncomfortable – as if there was something about this whole situation that just wasn’t quite right. There was just something a little… queer about the whole thing. It was at this point that the spot light lit up again – this time revealing a male dancer, dressed only in his skivvies. Harry thought that perhaps he would do a couples show with one (or all) of the women – but the thing is, he didn’t! In fact, every one of the women had left the room, and each had been replaced by a muscle-bound male stripper. Harry found himself strattled once again, this time by a man who he could tell was named “Toby.”
            Toby began to wriggle around on Harry, and as Harry looked around the room, he could see that the other boys were in similar situations. The voice returned: “Here in the Gentlemen’s Lounge, we don’t just serve you the hottest women you could ever desire – we give you the best of both worlds! And after you sit through this three hour video presentation, we think you’ll agree that this side of the world is way better!”
            Harry realized that he was trapped in one of the gay’s mind-control seminars that occur on every college campus in America (for real). He struggled to escape, but Toby’s pelvic thrusts were just too strong, and Harry had no choice but to stay in his seat and hope his powers would save him from the gay!

Chapter Four: Harry Potter and the USSR

            Following their business lunch with Conner Rapist, Hermione really wanted to explore the outdoor sculpture gardens, but Ron needed to go to the financial aid office so he could find out about his work study job, so Ron and Hermione went their separate ways.
            Since the Weasley family was not wealthy enough to pay for Ron’s tuition (because they are lazy people – and if you think that’s harsh, just remember that if they had bothered to spend any time at all looking after their family properly, they would be rich like I am. And that’s a fact that cannot be disputed), so he had to take a job through the university to help pay for everything. However, he had not yet been told what he would be doing, so he went to the financial office to find out.
            “Hello, my name is Ron Weasley, and I’m here to find out about my work study job?” he said as he got to the front desk of the financial office.
            “You are in luck, Ron, because since you’re one of the first to arrive, you can have your pick of any of the jobs available!” said the young woman at the front desk.
            “Hooray!” said Ron. “What are my choices?”
            “Well, we’ve got the usual low-level jobs: dish washer, janitor, car park attendant… These are the jobs that most people wind up with. They pay minimum wage. Or, if you sign up for our special program, you can have a job playing games, getting sensual massages from topless supermodels, and being fed grapes and fanned with a giant leaf. That job pays $75 dollars an hour.”
            “Wow! I’ll take the topless supermodels please!” Shouted Ron at an unnecessary volume.
            “I thought you’d say that. Now, just sign your name on this little form to join the group, and you’ll be all set!”
            Ron hurriedly scribbled his name on the dotted line, and smiled. But his smile did not last long, however, because little did he know that the group he had just signed up for was the Commie Terrorist Club, and that he’d be forced to work 90 hours a week slaving away for the Commies, and then when he was too old and sick to work and he’d lost all of his teeth, he’d have to go blow himself up to help destroy the world – and he’d only get his topless massages after he was dead. Ron cried, and said “Boy I sure liked it better when I was a German pop sensation!” but it was too late for that, because he, like so many other American students, was suckered in by the Liberal Menace!

Chapter Five: Harry Potter and the Liberal Menace

            After three hours, the doors of the Gentlemen’s Lounge opened once again, and the young men walked out in a daze. Harry overheard two of them discussing what had just happened, and one quote stuck in his head: “Gee – you know, homosexuality isn’t a choice, but it’s the choice for me! See how I’m blindly hypocritical? All we dirty gays are like that. Let’s go impregnate some girls with our lies so we can then force them to get abortions!”
            Luckily, Harry knew that it really was a choice, and he would suppress all those urges inside him with all of his strength until it festered into a little gay zit that he could pop with a pin. He ran around campus to find Ron and Hermione to tell them what had happened. He first found Ron, looking sapped and tired, as he shuffled around polishing stones for a nickel a day. “Ron! You’ll never believe what happened to me!” Harry said.
            “Can’t talk… must work… no money… I’m a commie terrorist now… save yourself…” mumbled Ron. Harry was horrified – he ran as fast as he could, hoping against hope that he would find Hermione before it was too late for her as well. Luckily he was nearby the sculpture garden, and was able to find her quite easily.
            “Hermione! Thank goodness I’ve found you! It’s Ron – he’s turned into a commie terrorist! The time is nigh upon us, we must destroy this evil Liberal Menace before it consumes us all!”
            “You’re right, Harry.” Said Hermione. “I’ve just been discussing it with my new life partner Marcie here. We believe that together we can fight this menace. But uh oh – I’m starving because we are two women that never learned how to cook a good meal for our husbands. And now since we’re lesbian life partners, we won’t ever have husbands either! We’ll just work and starve, and we won’t have any kids because we can’t adopt, and even if we could we’d just have abortions on them anyway! Oh drat! All humans are now on the way to destruction because all the women are abortion-happy lesbians who can’t cook!” Hermione was sad, but because she had been brainwashed by the Liberal Menace, she could no longer escape its grasp.
            Harry felt great despair – but luckily, during all of this, Conner Rapist had summoned Crazy V, and with his great strength and wisdom he cast spells hither and thither to make all the leaders of this University die in a fire, and just like that Ron, Hermione, and all of the other students embraced the death eaters as liberators. Of course from that day forth, they all had to remain alert and vigilant, for the Liberal Menace is always a threat, and is always trying to destroy our way of life. Take care, readers, for the events in this novel are all only slightly altered from reality – there is a real Liberal Menace, and it is alive and well on each and every college campus in America! So do your part, citizen, by telling every dirty hippy that you see that he should die in a fire!

This is NOT The End, for to State ‘The End’ Is To Give In to the Terrorists!

*Editor’s Note: By the time we realized our mistake of having cloned Ann Coulter rather than J.K. Rowling, Coulter had already written nine more volumes, each one titled “Harry Potter Remains Ever Vigilant,” and each one filled with nothing but long strings of profanities. We caught this series before the remaining nine books hit the shelves, and we did away with the Coulter clone, and we’re repeatedly reminding everyone that we don’t condone the ideas held within this book, and we certainly don’t wish all Universities to die in a fire. However, that being said, please continue to purchase as many copies of these books as your budgets allow (and if they don’t allow it – how bout a credit card? Hmm? They’ve got some great rates nowadays!)

And in a final note, I assure you that the next installment of ‘Legends of Hogwarts’ will be much more faithful to the tone that you all know and love from the first novels. So be sure to bug your parents to pony up the dough for that one, due out real soon!